It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
