So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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