I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
