Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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