Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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