I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
