she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
