So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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