I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
