I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
