On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
