i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
