Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
