well I can't set my house on fire every night
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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