What did we do last night that was yellow?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
