I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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