I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
