Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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