my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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