Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
