I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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