As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
