I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
