The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Randomize
