people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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