Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
