i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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