Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
