Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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