So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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