Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
