he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
