I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
