and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize