this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
