Pants 0. Shit 1.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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