I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
