Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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