I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
