Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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