I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
it was like eating out sand paper
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
