i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
