I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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