speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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