I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
