I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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