Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
