If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
