Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
