Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
