Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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