Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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