Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
