The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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