Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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