so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
