my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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