It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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