Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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