you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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