Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize